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mist

Welcome to to the {Cackling And Hag}come and bring some stand up comedy and share your humor.It can be jokes or perhaps a funny quote,or just your favorite comedian,or comedy show.     ..PLEASE KEEP IT CLEAN..

 

August 05, 2017 01:02 am

mist

*Appear's out of shadows*wearing a black cloak(Flat) is the shape of the hat,with no point at the top.  

Let this old witch start of by saying i'm trying to think,but nothing happen's however did find if you just think of something to say and then don't say it helps.{Laughs}  

Pointed hats is the subject get asked the funnies and strange questions,one being why do witch's wear pointed hats.  

Is it to keep their pointy heads warm! (foolishness} As they could see i wear a flat hat keeps the ears warm..

*Laughs as i walk across the stage*

Cats they cute very loyal and very protective this witch love cats.  

(Takes of my hat)   Not to may cats think they can fly tho or use me roof for a landing strip until you meet Henry.

I have leaks in me roof so on a rainy day have the best of both worlds as they say,stay in side and get wet or go out side and still get wet

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They say when it rains look for the rainbow when it rains i'm looking to my ceiling.(Laughs)

So i go over to Mr Snout his the witch that owns Henry to have a witch conversation about how to resolve it.

Anyways he gets up and disappears for a few mins and comes back and say's when the going gets tough the witch gets Duct-tape and he hands me duct-tape to fix the leaks.  

  .............And if it don't work your not using enough..................  

As red green would say spare the duct-tape spoiled the job in this case be spare the duct-tape there goes me roof...

August 11, 2017 11:07 pm

mist

*Walks in{actually)wait let me start again*

..Appears out of the night onto the stage places me broom now...

*Walks around but deep down inside me boot me socks is sliding off*  

What a crowd hundred seats and they all empty{Laughs} Lets get right to it then i just love to hear myself talk(laughs)can't say the same for some tho, especially me spell-casting teacher so one day i went to class with a hat on that read.

This is this broom

This is is broom

This is how broom

This is to broom

This is keep broom

This is mist broom

This is silent broom

This is for broom

This is forty broom

This is seconds broom ..

Now go back and read the third word only in each line from the start...

They say blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves for we shall never cease to be amused. That a lot of brooms i do say,all tho rather deal with a lot of brooms than a lot vacuum cleaners there is no return policy when ya get sucked up {Laugh's}

*Picks me broom up walking to the front of the stage*

Speaking of being amused,the funnies thing i ever seen was when a witch came walking into the broom-shop and says,I's building an 'ouse bye' and needs me some a dat der too be far,so i am standing there thinking to myself this is a broom-shop.(little confused to say the lease)

..So i said 2 by 4 broom  

The witch says,no not 2 by 4 broom,building an 'ouse bye' not looking for a broom

*Wanders across the stage{laughting}*

I knew what she was saying but being the witch i am and this was a broom shop not a lumber yard .So finally i said well your in luck happen to have some laying about,so i go and get it for her and bring it back and say this what ya looking for my dear  

Her responds{Yes bye', dat's da stuff}  

I looked at her and said now my dear how long do you need it,she looked at me and said    

"Well bye', I's buildin an 'ouse wit it so I's gonna need it for awhile."

September 16, 2017 01:17 am

mist

Teller in the Bank –  Abbott and Costello   

Lou Costello: Can you recommend anybody to help me with my taxes?

Bud Abbott: Sure, my brother can help you. He works in the bank.

Lou Costello: Oh, sure, my mother wanted me to ask you what he does in the bank?

Bud Abbott: Teller.

Lou Costello: As soon as you tell me.

Bud Abbott: Teller in the bank.

Lou Costello: Tell’er in the bank? How can I tell ‘er in the bank when you won’t tell me!laugh

October 27, 2017 12:55 am

Andrei Codin

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" 

October 29, 2017 11:38 pm

mist



November 10, 2017 11:23 pm

mist

(Rescue from Gilligan's Island)  

"Mr. Howell: Captain,can you give me one good reason why you haven't put up the sail? 

Skipper: Yes, Mr. Howell, we haven't got a sail. 

Mr. Howell: Can you give me another good reason?" laugh

November 29, 2017 11:58 pm

mist

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.   

Oliver: You’d better take my temperature….. get that thermometer.

Stan: The what?

Oliver: Thermometer! You’ll find it on the shelf.

(Stan places the thermometer into Ollie’s mouth and starts to take his pulse)

Oliver: What does it say?

Stan: Wet and windy.  

Stan Laurell And Oliver Hardysmiley

December 13, 2017 11:04 pm

Andrei Codin

Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him." 

December 17, 2017 11:30 pm

mist

*Wearing a long black cloak appears,eyes remained hidden under the hood(slides it back)

---Tap tAp Tap goes me broom(tapping it of the floor)  

Wait a second(thought's spoken out loud)you gone and done it again broom took the wrong turn.

*I found myself pondering*

Over trading me broom in for a vacuum cleaner(scary thought)    

*Shakes me head*  

Well alease it's not knee high in swamp,but sent's i am here share little something.*Looks across the stage

*Today's topic vacuum cleaners(waves me hand about)where do this witch begin.

(Vacuum Cleaners)they suck's everything up,a broom sweeps clean and it knows all the corners to.(walks across the stage)  

Me broom may know all corners but certainly dont know directions{Imagine that}  

How interesting is that(one sucks up and one sweeps)

---Laughter fills the room---

If me broom could speak it would say here is some of the reasons why you should fly brooms and not vacuum cleaners.   

It can not fly to high It sucks you up,and everything all around,(there no return policy)either.

That's no surprise there,how many times you buy something and the first thing they say there no return policy on that.

(that should tell you something)

*Laughs*  

--Looks around-- My oh my aren't you all a quite crowd(being humorous,steps back)Now where was i oh yes 

(Vacuum cleaners)

It scares the cat upon the roof, and even it's owner Millipedebuster as well(gracious that bad)

Its heavy and its loud

All the brooms go in the opposite direction,when vacuum cleaners(goes flying by)  

---So never trade your broom for a vacuum cleaner,the cord don't reach that far--- (warning sign right there)  

*Heads towards the front of the stage waving me broom*Now they have signs that read vacuum cleaner parking only violators will be dusted.Next they becoming out with signs that read broom parking only violators will be swept.

*Laughs*  

--Thinking within my thoughts,being humorous-- Fine crowd i do say yes fine crowd here witch tonight(empty seats all around)   

A witch once said having a sense of humor is to keep your sanity,and that coming from a witch that has only one tool in life duct-tape.I gather no one told him that now they have gorilla Tape

(Stronger, and weatherproof)  

*Laughter echoes throught-out(disappearing)into the night*    

January 03, 2018 10:36 pm

mist

(The Beverly Hillbilly's) laugh

Jed:I can make a scarecrow,so that it frightens every single crow off the farm

 

Granny:Thats nothing i can make one that make them bring back the corn that they stole last year

January 26, 2018 12:27 am

mist

(Dr. Frederick Frankenstein and Igor)  

Igor: Dr. Frankenstein...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen."

Igor: You're putting me on.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."

Igor: Do you also say "Froaderick"?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No..."Frederick."

Igor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronkensteen."

Igor: I see.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You must be Igor.

[He pronounces it ee-gor] Igor:

No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."

Igor: Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

February 11, 2018 01:13 am

Andrei Codin

 

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I d be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go.

On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."

"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."  

February 16, 2018 01:36 am

mist

 Honeymooners  

"Ed Norton: [reading from a script as he helps Ralph rehearse] I do not possess a villa in France,

a yacht,or a string of poloponies. 

Ralph: I'm glad to hear... String of poloponies? Where do you see that? 

Ed Norton: [pointing] Right there... a string of poloponies. 

Ralph: That's a string of *polo ponies*!"laugh

February 19, 2018 12:50 am

mist

--Gilligan's Island--  

Gilligan:What was that stuff you just gave me?

Mrs Howell:That will help you sleep, it’s a sedative.

Gilligan :Thanks,Mrs Howell, but you’re wasting your time.Those things don’t work on me. I remember once …  

falls asleep

March 02, 2018 12:08 am
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