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Summer S Summers's Blog Entry



 
 

Blog Entry
 
Tuesday, Nov 22, 2016
Updated background, with footnotes! (1)
    Summer Squash Summers died one Summers Eve (of course she did) after an incredibly gruesome car crash. Oh, no the car crash isn't what killed her. You see, her car careened off a cliff, tumbling down a steep mountain, pine tree branches smashing through the windows, coming to a fiery halt at the bottom of the hill. Summer being a vampire, the fact that a pine branch stuck into her chest was pretty bad. But she wasnít quite dead yet! The branch had only entered her chest, but hadnít actually punctured the heart. Staggering, she ascended the mountain on foot. Seeing a car driving down the road, she grinned and waved madly, running toward it. In her haste, she didn't see a 'Caution Slow Children' sign, smacking right into it. The metal pole hit the branch, shoving it into her heart. RIP Summer Squash Summers. Given Summer's lackluster life as a stoner vampire, she was sent South once reaching the pearly gates. Fun fact: did you know that Lucifer actually has somewhat high standards?(2) Apparently he was wildly unimpressed with Summer S. Summers. He made a quick call upstairs and begged them to take her. Something about 'even after an eternity, she'd never catch on' or some such. (3) She wasn't completely paying attention when Lucifer had made the call right in front of her. His tail was casting a really funny shadow on the walls and she was transfixed! (4) Heaven being the more charitable place of the two (5), they took Summer in graciously (read: they had no choice) (6). Albert the Least Known Angel led her into the stack housing for all angels that'd never actually do anything cool or be important or anything. (7) Basically, it was the ideal place for this little underachiever.(8) The biggest bummer? Albert the Buzzkill Angel told her the three rules of heaven: 1. No patchouli. 2. No dreadlocks on basic white b!tches. 3. No speaking in fake southern accents. Actually, that last one was Albert the Lamest Angel's rule. It didn't matter anyway, Summer didn't speak in a fake southern accent. She did, however, have very long and thick dreads and routinely doused herself in the earthy and highly offensive oil. The dreads were promptly removed, leaving clean hair in its wake. The patchouli remained in hell, where the oil was added to torture all the WASPs and Wall Street Bankers. (9) Albert the Impatient Angel could only take so much of Summer's vacant stares and constant distraction with floating feathers or shiny halos. Pleading with Management, he was given the A-Okay to send her back down to earth.(10) There were so many dumba$$es already down there, what was one more? (11) So now you're all caught up, dear reader (12). Summer Squash Summers returned to earth just as blissfully addicted to the good sh!t as before. The only problem- whoever fiddled with her settings while dead seem to have given her a very high tolerance for any and all intoxicants. That alone is distressing enough to send a girl to drink. Thus begins a very cruel cycle. Footnotes: 1. Not being able to edit blog posts is very annoying. 2. This is untrue. Lucifer has the same kind of standards as anyone else. Sometimes questionable, sometimes incredibly high. Her being sent away had nothing to do with his standards or her measurement against them. 3. This didnít happen. Or rather, the phone call did, but the exact nature and topic of conversation is wildly different. 4. This happened exactly this way. ADHD Inattentive type, thy name is Summer. 5. This is not correct. Heaven is the least charitable. Getting into Heaven is more difficult than getting into this Saturdayís showing of Hamilton. 6. False. There is always a choice. 7. This is true. They sent her to the common angel stacks because she wasnít actually supposed to be there. 8. This is false. She isnít an underachiever. Itís far more complex than that, having roots all the way to her childhood, birth order, upbringing, socio-economic status, and personal ambition, to name a few. Just because she liked to smoke the ganja doesnít mean sheís an underachiever. 9. I think we can all agree that patchouli is the lightest offense we can give to WASPs and Wall Street Bankers, amirite? 10. Not at all why she was sent back down to earth. 11. This is true. We all know this is true, we donít need any special, celestial insight to know this is true. 12. Dear Reader isnít caught up at all. This background is basically rubbish, not giving any insight as to why Summer has addiction issues, why she lost control of her car, why she was sent from Hell to Heaven and then back down to earth again, or anything else in between.

Posted at 07:49 pm
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